The hottest news:

Micro$oft broke Volkswagen's world record:
VW only made 22 million bugs!

The last statistics:

99.8% of all German software specialists believes in the existence of computers viruses -
but only 15.4% of all computers viruses believes in the existence of German software specialists...

The last innovation: New portable multimedia computer

The last insight:

Someone who develops a system, that every idiot can serve, must expect that only idiots want to use it.
and Unix scripts are fun to write but unfortunately write only. -- M. Lemke
Note: UNIX is a trademark of AT&T, AT&T is a modem test command.

The last piece of advice:

A blue screen is nothing to worry about, just press [CTRL]+[ALT]+[DEL] and format C:

The last rumour:

After solving the problem with Y2K Micro$oft will now strain to concern the problem of the five digits at the Y10K problem.
There are only 8000 years left - will they make it?

Some prophecy

The first time you'll get a Micro$oft product that doesn't suck will be the day they start producing vacuum cleaners.

Another rumour:

The US Commerce Department has passed a consumer protection order: All computers with an Intel processor must carry the warning label: intel inside.

How to be a successful programmer

Use this problem solving chart for all your problems:

The latest hit:

We all live in a yellow subroutine...

By the way:

Window$ works with WYSIGPF: "What you see is General Protection Fault".

Common experiences in the working with the computer

• The most needed piece of information will be least available.
• Every sufficient progressive technology is almost like magic.
• You can invest in reliability till either the costs of the faults is exceeded or somebody insists you to do some useful work.
• Untraceable faults exists - unlike those reported - in infinite variations, only the latter is limited by definition. The bad ones will appear like waves.
• Murphy was an optimist.
• The more important the members of the audience, the less is the chance of getting a successful demonstration in front of that audience.
• Inside every complex and useless program you can find at least one useful routine.

... in the Beginning
... there was the Big Bang
... and God typed 'unzip universe.zip'

The only reason God was able to make the world in seven days was he didn't have to remain compatible with the previous version.

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the memory.
6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs ad govern over the computers and programs and data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at data center; and God showed the Programmer the catalog tree and said You can use all the volumes and sub-volumes but DO NOT USE Window$
8. And God said - It is not good for the Programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Window$ or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Window$ you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of Window$ were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Window$ could replace it.
14. So the User installed Window$ on his computer; and said to the Programmers that it was good.
15. And the Programmers immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in DOS. And God said _ Who told you need drivers? Did you run Window$? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Window$.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Window$ will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT.

ultimate_answer_t deep_thought(void)
{
sleep(years2secs(7500000));
return 42;
}

Black holes are where GOD is dividing by zero

Who needs Perl when you can write DC, Sokoban, Arkanoid and an unlambda interpreter in sed?

Some questions, nobody asks before...

Question: Is it true that you can read mad and confused text files after putting a Window$ XP installation CD upside down into your drive?

Answer: In principle that's true, but...

1. You need not to put you installation CD upside down, just put it in the normal way;
2. there are no mad and confused text files you could read, there is a mad and confused operating system that want's to install itself.

Question: How can I define a software bug?
Answer: Every software feature is a bug unless it can be turned off.

Question: Do you know why Window$ sytems are used as a prison guard?
Answer: Cause they always locks up!

Question: What is the difference between Micro$oft's Window$ and Linux?
Answer: Micro$oft gives you the Window$, Linux gives you the whole building.

Question: What's the meaning of PENTIUM?
Answer: Produces Enormous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics.

Question: When do you want to spend your money today?

Question: Another word for MASOCHIST?
Answer: Window$ SDK programmer with a smile!

Question: "Who the fuck is General Failure? And why is he reading my hard disk?"

Question: Give a technical definition of Window$ 95 and 98.
Answer: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Question: What's the best hardware for demonstrating the efficiency, productivity and performance of Window$ XP?
Answer: It's the overhead projector!

Question: How many Bugs contains Window$ XP?
Answer: As many as black dots appear when you're watching this picture - just count them all:

Question: "In my CONFIG.SYS I have found the entry DEVICEHIGH=C:\DOS\CAT.SYS What does that mean?" Answer: "You are running the fastest mouse driver ever available!"

Some hot line experience...

Question: What is the special feature of the Window$ keyboard?

Question:What does this mean: Press any key to continue?
Answer: This feature requires a special keyboard - look at our illustration:

Micro$oft is not the answer, it's the question and the answer is...
If the answer is Micro$oft, it must've been a silly question...

...NO!!!.

Life is too short for reboot -- Linux

Micro$oft: A future view at the new operating-system-division headquarters:

Click on this: "DEAD LINK"for showing you the most depressive web server on earth