Different computer systems - The battle

• Macs are for those who don't want to know how the computer works,
• Linux is for those who want to know how the computer works,
• DOS is for those who want to know why the computer doesn't work, and finally
• Window$ is for those who don't want to know why the computer doesn't work.

???

Ericsson-Micro$oft-Cooperation: New Operating system for mobiles!

iMac vs. iRon

...glad that we have made this comparison

This room is air-conditioned and the SUN is shining the NeXT days -- so don't open Window$_TM.

The slowest application of OS/2 is the Window$ emulation...

UNIX and OS/2 are operating systems. Window$ is a shell, and DOS is a boot virus.

Screen dump (?)

First of all: How did we perform screen dumps?
Here is the answer:

CPU overclocking:
Please use always a sufficient cooler for your CPU!

Copy error...

Something else...

Is this the new Java compatible PC ?

A short tale of a modern hobbit -
Who is the "Lord Of The CD-Center-Rings"?

I was visited by a mighty computer-magician who knew many secrets.
During our conversation I told him about that I had installed the new Window$ XP version. I pointed at the installation CD which was perfectly round and glittered magnificently.
My friend's face darkened when he saw the disk.
To my astonishment and distress the wizard threw it into the microwave and turned it on at the maximum. I gave a cry and tried to turn it off, but the magician held me back. Holding my breath I watched as the CD was revolving in the oven. Then the magician got the CD from the oven and dropped into my hands.
- It's quite cool. Take it!
The CD was unscratched and cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier in my hands.
- Hold it up! - said the magician. - And look closely.
As I did so, I now saw fine lines, finer than the finest pen-strokes, running along close to the center of the CD. They shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C20 4F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2CDA4F6E65204F5320746F20627269 6E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062 696E64207468656D

...One OS to rule them all,
One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them...

It is only some lines of a verse long known in SysAdmins-lore:

Three OS's for the corporations under the sky,
Seven for valley lords where orchards used to grow,
Nine for Mortal DotComs doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord Gate$ on his dark throne -
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.
One OS to rule them all,
One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them -
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.

He paused, and then said slowly in a deep voice.
- This is the Master CD, containing some of the original source code of Window$. This is one of the CDs that he lost many ages ago, to the great weakening of his monopolistic power. He greatly desires it - but he must not get it.
I sat silent and motionless. Fear seemed to stretch out a vast hand, like a dark cloud rising in the East and looming up to engulf me.
- This CD, - I stammered, - How, how on earth did it come to me...?

Three lessons for everybody working at a software developing department (and elsewhere ?)

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey said and sighed. "But I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three:

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the Money." Finally, the ass hole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the ass hole being the boss. So, the ass hole went on strike, blocked itself up, and refused to work.
Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered.
Eventually, they all decided that the ass hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any ass hole will do.

Star Trek The Next Generation vs. Micro$oft

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript...

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late twentieth-century computing technology."
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
Riker (looks puzzled): "What the hell is 'Micro$oft'?"
Data (turns to answer): "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Window$', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Window$' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
. . . 15 minutes later . . .
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Window$' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi (excited): "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"
Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Window$' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
. . . two hours pass . . .
Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Window$' modules from something called the 'Micro$oft fun-pack'."
Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Micro$oft' logo."
Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATE$ OF THE MICRO$OFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker: "Good god captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans Sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits".
Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers!!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

Animation: Millennium bug:

Click here for animation...

Micro$oft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate!!

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gate$ reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statements:

• Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day ?
• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
• Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to fail and stop and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
• You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car98" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
• The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Micro$oft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
• The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
• The air bag system would say "are you sure?"; before going off.
• If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea of what had happened.

Ergonomic place at work: Our suggestions:

Use always ergonomical designed special seatings!	Don't leave your place at work without any reason!
Please leave always enough space for your legs and paunch!

New lyrics to Beatles song Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.